Journal #2

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I destroyed a family. And that isn’t me being arrogant or anything, I truly had the intention and consequentially succeeded in ruining a family because I wasn’t comfortable in my own skin. I knew damn well what I was doing, and didn’t care that it was wrong. I just pursued what I wanted, or what I had thought I had wanted.

Jake hadn’t been married for a year when he crossed my path. In fact I knew he was married before I had known him. I knew their history well. They were the quintessential young married couple of the community. He was the successful man who supported his lovely stay at home wife well. It made me sick. Yet, as repulsed as I was by it, I also craved it. I wanted to be apart of that seemingly perfect however distant existence. With that life I had attached all sorts of meanings and implications; like that it would somehow make me equal to all the others. Or that I wouldn’t be me, but like everyone else. And that is something that I have always wanted, to not be me.

With Jake I had imagined he would be able to erase all the things that I was and somehow transform me into someone different, someone better. But of course, that was a lie. I wasn’t going to change as a result of having Jake. Well actually, I did change as a result of Jake, but it wasn’t as I had wanted or expected. I essentially became a monster dedicated to a very specific end game, and it seemed as though there was nothing that could stop me. But obviously there was something . . .

(By Cathryn Olivia Winters)

This is the first in a series of journals written from the perspective of a character I'm working on. These journals are my way of developing and defining her voice for the consequential story I'll write based on these journals. *************************************************

"Jake had hypnotized me the moment I saw him. In him I saw a soul so very similar to mine. And that is what should have been my first warning. There was something about him that seemed able to give me all the things I desperately desired but couldn't give myself. I imagined myself with him years and years later, and how happy we could be together. How with him I could feel a sense of fulfillment, that up until now had eluded me. He'd be that missing piece that would complete me, as trite as it is, I believed it completely. When I first saw him I had this initial feeling of how he had been the one I was searching for. I'd been looking for this man for what seemed like an eternity. Everything about him fit the part of the man I was looking for. The way he spoke, he looked at me, treated me, craved me, well at least initially. Of course in true fashion, it played out the only way it could have. The dream unraveled and I was left with so much more less that I had begun with. Which was a good thing, because sometimes we need to be stripped of everything we need to be stripped of everything we had taken for granted before we realize how precious those things are. And yes of course I realize the stupidity of believing another person could give me a sense of worth. Especially someone who had less respect for himself than I had had for myself. But of course that sort of wisdom, at least for me, is only available through hind sight. Now that I look back at the woman I had become, I feel nothing but absolute sadness, because she willingly let her life become a mess, exquisite, but a mess still. That she destroyed everything she came into contact with, just to get what she wanted, only to self destruct, lose it all, and end up more burned than her own victims." -Eden Olivia Forrester

(By Cathryn Olivia Winters)

Liberation

By Cathryn Olivia Winters

lost amongst the might have beens and the shouldnt have happened

only myself to blame

nothing left to hold onto but the ghost of who i used to be

i don't know myself like i used to

stranded deep within the illusions created by others

only myself to blame

reluctantly attached to shadows of who i want to be

i don't see myself anymore

i release it all

Would You Lose Your Soul To Love Me?

By Cathryn Olivia Winters

I only hurt the ones I love

Those who manage to get past all my defenses and into my core.

I prefer being elusive.

I'm more comfortable being a mystery.

Because when I become known, will I hold the same intrigue?

Will you still be under my trance once reality has set in?

Or will my truth set you free?

So I will push you away till I can't take it anymore.

I will self destruct right before your eyes and make it unquestionably clear that you won't ever be capable of saving me.

I will do things that I should regret later

but will only feel justification in the end.

And when I have accomplished this, I will be ridiculously pleased knowing you won't ever be able to grasp me.

Which only makes me more disarming.

Because I only hurt the ones that love me.